“What?! She’s been duped. I would never be in a relationship like that. I wonder why she would choose that?”
Years ago it was a random Saturday morning when I received a call from a college friend.
She had been married for just over 5 years with 2 small kids.
We shared a little small talk, then she asked the question that everyone asks a 35 year old single, never married woman with no children.
“So, when are you going to get married?”
I told her I wasn’t dating anyone special, but I was sure I would eventually meet the right guy.
Now, let me be clear. I was enjoying my life and I didn’t feel any immediate urgency for marriage or kids. I was focused on my career, well traveled with a pretty decent social calendar, a nice designer wardrobe and a small group of successful friends (male and female).
Out of nowhere she threw the “S” word on me-— “Spinster”.
“Spinster?”, I replied.
“Yes, you are a spinster.”
Before I move on – Let’s define “Spinster”.
:a term referring to an unmarried woman who is older than what is perceived as the prime age range during which women should marry. It could also indicate that a woman is considered unlikely to ever marry.
// The closest equivalent male term is ‘bachelor’ however, it does not carry the same derogatory connotation in reference to age and perceived desirability in marriage.
(As you see, SPINSTER is not a very flattering term.)
Back to the story…
WTF…..??????????? I couldn’t believe she said that.
The nerve! Especially considering her mostly stay-at-home-husband had transitioned into a fully stay-at-home-dad. I’m sure I could have been married if I were willing to be the primary and eventually the ONLY BREADWINNER.
I did not want that. I was very clear on that………………
In Deep Thought
Hours later, I still couldn’t stop thinking about the call.
My friend and I were the same age with similar levels of success and personality traits.
We took different paths after college— I decided to deep dive into real estate and she opted for a MBA. After grad school, she started working for a Fortune 1000 company, which was the beginning of a fairly swift corporate climb. (No hate– she was doing her thang. #careergoals)
So, why would an attractive, successful, and super smart woman choose that path? Why would she choose to have a non-working husband and be head of household?
ARE WOMEN REALLY BUILT FOR THAT KINDA SHIT?
I discussed the call with a male friend that joked,
“You will have your own ‘house husband’ if you don’t turn down that Type-A Business Woman Boss Chick Masculine Energy!”
Initially, I was mad AF. But, he was right—- kind of, a little.
The type of man I ultimately wanted to be with probably wouldn’t be attracted to that – Type-A Boss Chick Masculine Energy.
Why would he? A successful man with options, has options. And why would he choose that when he could just as easily choose a successful, ambitious woman with more feminine energy.
Would you propose to a man?
- If your answer is YES– sorry, this entire blog post is not for you.
- If your answer is NO– why? I think I know. (More on that later…)
Ok, so who should propose? I like to think the man. (I actually know it’s the man, but I don’t want to appear to be a know it all.☺)
Most women want a man to take charge. That would make him more of the aggressor, the one leading the relationship. Science would say that’s biological– going back to our caveman days.
Not sure if you want a man to lead?
Let’s see—- Imagine it’s 3am and you hear someone breaking in your home. Would you:
a) have a quick conversation to decide who should go downstairs to check it out.
b) assume your man would go check it out (without conversation).
So… Who’s leading the relationship?
Ok, one more— If a man that wants to lead (BTW- this is most men) and he meets a woman that wants to lead, he either has to:
a) accept that she will lead* (also accepting being regularly emasculated)
b) move on
*hmmm, prob would not be a choice for a man with options
You may now be thinking this is an anti-feminist message. Nope, it’s not.
Question: Am I a feminist? My Answer: Yes and No.
I’m a feminist in the purest sense. I believe in equal opportunity. I believe in equality.
Feminism at it’s core is about equality of men and women. Equal rights and equal access to opportunities. Equality, not ‘sameness.’ [I’m this type of feminist.]
Quoting Queen Bey:
“Les hommes pensent que les féministes détestent le sexe.”
Beyoncé Partition 2013
Translation: Men think feminists hate sex.
Unfortunately, feminism has been associated with overly aggressive, angry women that want to minimize men, change time-honored traditions and established gender roles.
[I’m definitely not this type of feminist.]
Reasonably, most women and even many books on dating/marriage focus on being in control. Being in charge. I completely get it.
But, what if there was a different way. Let’s suspend belief for just a minute….
Most men instinctively want to be in control. What if you were to give him that. The PROBLEM for most women is that they give this control/power to the WRONG man. So let’s assume it’s the right man (more on choosing the “right” man later).
What would happen if you let the right man be in control? What would happen if you let the right man lead?
When my husband and I were dating, we lived in different cities. He lived in Washington, DC. I lived in Atlanta.
I was traveling to DC when we first started dating. On the first day of his visit, we decided to go to dinner. When we got to my car parked in the garage of my condo building, he told me he wanted to drive.
I was little surprised. He didn’t know his way around Atlanta.
I asked him if he knew where the restaurant was. Of course, he did not. I could have immediately and very reasonably said that I should drive. There were a lot of reasons I could have given—- it would make more sense, I knew where we were going, hell– it was my car.
But instead- I simply said – “Ok.” He obviously wanted to exert some control. But, did it really matter who drove? Of course I had insurance and he would have had no problem paying an insurance deductible.
What would be the worst thing that could happen?
Yes, he wanted to be in control and I relinquished control.
This a small, micro example of control, but think about it….
P.S. We have now been married for several years. Do I think we would be married if I didn’t let him drive my car that day? LOL- yes. Do I think we would be married if I brought a lot of masculine energy and I wanted to exert control of the relationship? No, I don’t…